I Hate Chinese Toilet Paper

Most bathrooms in China do not have toilet paper. Therefore, you must carry your own toilet paper with you where ever you go. This can get pretty annoying, especially in those desperate moments, where you fear you may not have enough. Also, Chinese toilet paper is weird.

In the US, people can be pretty picky about their toilet paper. My parents would actually buy the double cushioned, lotioned, extra strong tp, so my tush was pretty dainty growing up. In college though, most of my toilet paper was snatched from university bathrooms (something I'm not proud of) but it was like sandpaper. That stuff was rough, but it was free so I never minded so much.

But I hate Chinese toilet paper.

It's like stretchy, so it's hard to get a clean rip. Then when you finally manage to wrestle it off, it's all malformed and difficult to get into a proper wiping position. It also has a sandpaper consistency. It's kinda thick, so you can't flush it. Also, there's no cardboard hole in the middle. What's up with that?

My biggest problem with the Chinese toilet paper is that it's so rough it makes me bleed. I admit that I'm a notorious over-wiper, but man Chinese paper is horrible. I'm caught between under-wiping (EEEWWWW!!!) or a painful bottom. It's a battle in there. I already dread my bathroom visits enough, the last thing I need is to fight with my toilet paper.

Luckily, Eric and I have found western toilet paper to use. Yea, it's a teensy bit more expensive, but totally worth it to have a clean rip and a relatively pain-free bathroom experience. Some of my friends use baby wipes. I just started to use them, and my bathroom times have been cut in half. Amazing. Highly recommended from our side of the world.

Chinese people must have some tough bottoms. It makes me have a new respect for them. But, I'm still an American and my tush hasn't adjusted to sandpaper yet. So for now, I'm avoiding Chinese toilet paper and embracing baby wipes.

Word.

Epic Showdown: Malay Food vs. My Stomach

Our trip to Malaysia was amazing. It's a beautiful country. The people are so laid back and friendly, a very nice change from China. The weather was very hot but not unbearable. The beaches were breath-taking and the tropical wildlife was so awesome. The food on the other hand. . . was a strange mix of bad Chinese and bad Indian. We ate mostly fried rice or fried noodles almost the entire trip. And a prawn chip here and there.

My bowels really hated the food. I mean it didn't taste great but I could get it down. My stomach absolutely did not approve of what it was receiving. I had wicked (not the cool meaning of "wicked") diarrhea the entire trip.

So over here in Asia, we classify diarrhea. The main two categories are: Everyday Normal Diarrhea or Crampy Diarrhea (usually food poisoning). Within these categories you can have burning hot, pee-out-your-butt, not-completely-digested, right-through-me, never ending, or accidental-ingestion-of-bad-water diarrhea. I am at the point in my travels where I can usually peg exactly what I ate which led to these results.

In China, we usually experience Everyday Normal, right through me, and an occasional burning hot diarrhea. In Malaysia though, man. I was enduring Crampy, not-completely-digested, accidental-ingestion-of-bad-water diarrhea. It was horrible. I've never been so frequently sick in my life. I don't know what the heck they put in their food, but it did NOT like me. The worst part was, no one else was sick. I was the ONLY one. It's like fried rice had it out for me or something. Not cool.

There it is. A plate of pure evil.

The good news is I lost a lot of weight in Malaysia. At first I thought I had a tapeworm. I was always hungry (and eating) and I was losing weight without exercise. Then I realized I've just been pooping an abnormal amount everyday. (Don't worry! I don't have a tapeworm and I'm gaining the weight back)


I was sad to leave Malaysia, but my stomach couldn't take much more of it. I'm embarrassed to say this, but the Malay Food totally won the showdown. It kicked my butt on it's way out. I'm happy to be back to my Everyday Normal Diarrhea and dreaming of the days before I ever knew this much about loose stools. Those were the good days.

China and I have a Love/Hate Relationship

We’ve lived in China for about six months and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you have to take life in China one day at a time. Somedays I love China, others I hate it. It’s unexplainable. Over the past few weeks, I compiled a list of reasons why I hate China and a list of reasons why I love China. 

Here are the reasons I hate China:

1. Smoking. 

The absolute, #1 reason I hate China is that almost every man smokes. In American culture, the few idiots (sorry, I majored in health) that do smoke at least go outside and do it. Here in China, people smoke everywhere. In restaurants, cars, coffee shops, some of my students even smoke in class. It’s ridiculous. There’s nothing more offensive to me than someone blowing smoke in my face. I seriously want to punch them in the neck every time that happens. It’s difficult to eat, shop, or even enjoy your life when you feel like cancer is creeping up your lungs. It’s so upsetting to see that my 18 year-old students can’t even make it an hour without lighting up. Personally, I think it’s China’s way to control population. Encourage smoking, and kill them all off by the age of 50. OK, sorry, rant now over

2. Polluted air. 

It’s actually very difficult to breathe in China because the air pollution is so terrible. We rarely see the sun, stars, and moon. The inside of my nostrils are black every night because there is so much junk in the air. I miss fresh air more than anything back home. 

Smog.Ugh.

3. People don’t cover their mouths when they cough and sneeze. 

Yea, this totally sicks me out. No wonder epidemics are so serious in China. People don’t cover their stinkin mouths! I always get to frustrated when I get a shower every time I’m near someone that sneezes.

4. Lines don’t work. 

Chinese people don’t wait in line. I can’t tell you how frustrating it is when I’m waiting in line and people keep cutting! Chinese people are also really pushy. I’ve learned to push my way to the front of the line if I want to get anything done. Somedays I just loose my patience and really push hard. . . yea that’s definitely not a good thing. 

Don't even think about it.

5. Chinese people can’t drive or walk. 

Chinese driving is extremely inefficient. There is a curtesy on the road that we have in the west, like not completely cutting people off or running over pedestrians. This is non-existent in China. People always run red lights, cut others off, and assume they are the most important on the road. Pedestrians also don’t have the right of way, so every time I cross the street I say a little prayer for my life. This also applies to walking. Chinese people always will cut right in front of you as your walking and then go a much slower pace or completely stop. Old people ALWAYS do this. I can’t tell you how many little old ladies I’ve almost run over. Somedays I just don’t even bother going out because I know I’ll end up wanting to kill someone because they can’t walk. 

6. They take education too seriously. 

The education system in China is ridiculous. Chinese people are not taught to think, they are taught to obey and defeat everyone else. Chinese children go to school for literally 10 hours (sometimes even on Saturday) and study all night until they go to sleep. My students are under so much pressure from their culture. Suicide is the #1 cause of death amongst young people in China and a lot of it is because of the pressure society puts on them to get good exam scores. It’s all about the exam scores and salary here. I try to make my class a fun, relaxing environment so my students realize that life is even worth living and someone actually cares about who they are and not what they do.  

7. Getting cheated. 

I’m white. Chinese assume all white people are loaded, so I get charged WAY more than others. Nuff said.

8. Squatties. 

You may be surprised this isn’t higher on the list. Yea, squatties are totally disgusting, but you really do get used to them after awhile. That being said, they are still the #8 reason I hate China.

9. Mold/mosquitoes. 

I have had epic battles with mold this semester. I’m totally not used to it (I’m from Arizona!) but oh. my. goodness. Our house has been infested. It’s super frustrating. Also, the mosquitoes here are mutant. It’s terrifying.

10. Bad breath. 

Chinese people have some of the nastiest breath I’ve ever smelled. It’s probably because of the food they eat. They love to snack on raw garlic, chicken feet, and fried squid tentacles. Anyway, it is foul. The obnoxious thing is that if you talk to them long enough, their nasty breath gets IN YOUR MOUTH! I gave around 400 oral finals these past few weeks and afterward I could taste nasty breath in my mouth. Of course, I went immediately to brush my teeth (after fighting my gag reflex) When we have people over, our house always smells like it, too. Disturbing. 

And here are the reasons I love China:

10. It is developed. 

It’s so nice to have access to western food if we get sick of Chinese food. Down our street we have a McDonald’s and it takes a 15 minute bus ride to get to Starbucks. So we never suffer too much. 

9. Cheap food. 

I love that food is so cheap (and delicious!) in China. We typically spend less than $3 for Eric and I to eat a very filling lunch of a bowl of noodles. A bottle of fruit beer (YUM!) is about $0.50 and most snacks are less than $1. The other night we fed 10 students at a restaurant for less than $20. It’s great. 

8. Gardens. 

Chinese people love gardens and parks. Even though we live in a huge city, we are surrounded by little parks with beautiful plants and benches. Just outside our apartment building we have a little park to sit and enjoy the smoggy air. Many have little Chinese gazeboes and koi ponds. So great. 

7. Old people exercising. 

Every morning, (even in the dead of winter) old people go outside to exercise. They have their sweet Chinese tunes that they rock some tai chi to everyday. Some of them just stand around, pounding their fists on their bodies, and chat away. Their friendship is so evident and adorable. I love it. 

6. City life. 

I absolutely LOVE living in a city of 8 million people. I’ve always wanted to live in a city and I’ve finally gotten the opportunity. I love the tall buildings and the close proximity of everything. We take a bus every where we need to go (which is $0.14 one way) and I just love being close to people all the time. The crowdedness really bothers some people, but I just adore it. I love being where the action is and beautiful nature-y quiet places just bore me.

5. Gifts. 

It is Chinese tradition to give gifts and I love it. They are really good and giving gifts. For most of my students, I am their favorite teacher (yay-ah!) and they lavish me with gifts at Christmas and every Chinese holiday. Because I’m a foreigner, they don’t really require me to return the gifts (whew) so it’s great. Some gifts we get are SUPER cheesy and weird, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

4. Friendship. 

I love, love, love the way Chinese people value friendship. Friend and family relationships are just more deep here in China than in the US. Most Chinese people have had their friends since they were in kindergarden and they’re still going strong. Chinese girls always link arms or hold hands when they are together to show their affection for one another. In China, your friends will do anything for you. It’s totally amazing. I feel a lot of loyalty from my Chinese friends. They love me very, very much and they let me know it. It’s so amazing.

I love my friends!

3. Meeting people from all over the world. 

Here in China, I’ve gotten to meet people from all over the world. There are some 10,000 foreigners living here in China. It’s SO cool. One of my best friends here is from South Africa; I’ve learned so much about South African culture from her. It’s almost like I get to experience that culture through her, even though I’ve never been there. We go to a church run by some British folks. I get to enjoy their accents almost on a weekly basis. We’ve met people from Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Ireland, Germany, Kazakhstan, Korea, Thailand, Canada, South America, Scotland, and many other places from all around the world. It has given me huge global perspective, how the world views Americans (arrogant, war-loving, obese people. So sad!), and a glimpse into so many different people groups. Our Sunday group is literally a global family; it’s a beautiful picture of peace and unity. I really value this experience. I didn’t expect to meet people from all over the world, but it has truly been incredible.

2. Community. 

Community is one of the best and worst parts about living in China. It’s hard. Here, you can’t choose your community like in the US. You get who you get and you learn to work with them. However, community makes China so much easier. Having native English speakers around, in itself, is so wonderful. Our community encourages us almost on a daily basis. We share food, water tickets (for fresh water), books, movies, stories, clothes, everything. Our community shares their kids with us (yay for me!) and they have been in China for longer so they help us do everyday things like buy vegetables, get gas for our apartment, understand how to teach, and help us get around the city. They let us vent to them and listen to all of our hopes and fears. They are our families that we fight with, laugh with, cry with, and feast with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. China makes community very vivid and real. We NEED them. For better or for worse, we love our community. 

Some friends from our community.

1. Students. 

The absolutely best part of living in China is the students. Our students are absolutely amazing. My students literally applause me every time I walk into class. They openly express their affection for me and encourage me everyday. (One of my female students at the end of her final said, “I love you, I really, really do!”) They are very open about who we are they are super curious about who we are. They aren’t shallow like a lot of American students. They are over the alcohol and party scene; They are not post-modern skeptics. They just want to be real. In our experience, working with Chinese students is much easier than working with American college students simply because they are less wealthy and more genuine. We get to reveal a world to possibilities and hope to them. We have a life-giving, gratifying job. I fall in love with my students more and more everyday. 

Needless to say, the good things about China totally outweigh the bad things. Hanging around with my students makes me forget the cigarettes and smoggy air. I am truly loving my life here :) 

Merry Christmas, You're Regular!

This Christmas was absolutely insane. It totally snuck up on me. It's like before I knew it, Christmas had came and gone and I barely had time to regain my balance as I saw it floating away.

Christmas always sneaks up on me in the US, but in China it's way worse. We work before and after Christmas (No Christmas break, just a break for Spring Festival in January and February) so Christmas just feels less. . . real.  Chinese people treat Christmas like Valentine's Day. It's a romantic holiday that they don't really know how to celebrate. They literally run around downtown with masks on. It's great.

Anyway, this year we totally rocked Christmas Eve with a Mexican Feast. Our friends all came together bringing tidings of salsa and tamales. Earlier that week, Eric and I received a package from his dad with refried beans and taco seasoning in it (wahoo!). Some of our friends made tamales (a traditional Mexican dish steamed in cornhusks) in a tofu skin, a queso dip, and three different kinds of salsa. We were out of control. In the US, I can easily pound 4 tacos, but in China I could barely finish two. We were stuffed out of our minds. It's so crazy to me how my body has adjusted to Chinese dieting. Western food makes me feel like I'm going to burst!

Christmas day we spent with some friends from all over the globe. Some of our British friends hosted a potluck lunch, which was awesome. We had stuffing, pasta salad, spaghetti sauce, homemade bread, muld wine (A British custom), brownies, cheesecake, and much more. This year I was honestly more excited about the food than I was about any gifts. I seriously get giddy when I know I'm about to eat food from home. It's the most comforting thing in China. I love it.

The best part of it all, is that my bathroom times were the most enjoyable I've had in five months. Now we all know the stanky result of Mexican food (particularly beans) that occurs a few hours after consumption. We definitely suffered from some very smelly gas, but the loveliest part is that our business was regular. With Chinese food, you get smelly gas and then diarrhea (sometimes burning hot diarrhea). It sucks.

Eating so much western food the past few days got me regular again, and I couldn't be more grateful. Over here it's the little things that count, people! I'm enjoying my last few regular visits and preparing for whatever is next in my crazy Chinese bathroom adventures.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday! May you be ever joyful during your bathroom adventures!

Rice or Noodles?

The first thing that most Chinese people will ask you if you're a white person in China, is "Can you use chopsticks?"

The second thing that most Chinese people will ask is, "Do you like rice or noodles?"

China is split in two. The northern part of China are committed to noodes. We are in northern China so we live in noodle country, which suits me just fine. I love me a good bowl of noodles. The southern part of China are all about rice--with dishes of course. (When Chinese people say "rice", they are also referring to the vegetable and meat dishes that you would eat with rice)

I've noticed my bowel responses are different to noodles than to rice. The product I get after digestion disturbingly matches my previous meal.  My noodle business is surprisingly noodle-like and my rice business is definitely, well, rice like. It's SO weird.

So it makes me wonder then, do Chinese people pick according to the taste of the meal or the type of business they prefer??? I know it's a little crazy, but poop time is a very important time of the day. If you're not getting the results you want, don't you make adjustments to what you eat?? Maybe the northerner's dig the long, string-like satisfaction from noodles and maybe the southerner's like the chunky, loose stuff from rice. I mean, I don't know, I'm just sayin. . . .

China Makes Me Want to be a Guy

There's no going around it. China makes me want to be a guy. Seriously.

And it's mostly because of one thing: the ability to pee standing up.

Now this has always been an envy of mine: no pressure to endure child birth, no bra's, the ability to run easily, but nasty, gross squatty potties have exacerbated the desire.
The thing about China and squatties is that they are only in public places. So if you can hold it long enough to make it to your house, you're home free. But unfortunately I have a bladder the size of a pea so I ALWAYS have to go.

I teach four hours of class in the morning usually from 8am-12pm, and I really try my best to hold it. I'm hopeless though. Around 10, my bladder begins to beg for release. So I slowly walk over to the bathrooms (and there's ALWAYS a line!) and get out my scented tissues and try not to breathe for about five minutes.

Then when one opens up, I pray that there's no poop in there. Usually I'm not so lucky. Peeing on somebody else's business is one of the worst things I've ever had to endure. It usually splashes on my shoes and I almost throw up. Oh, and sometimes the stalls don't have doors. So people watch you pee. Apparently watching a foreigner going to the bathroom is quite the spectacle. But these are the prices you pay when you live in China.

If I were a guy in China I would totally go outside all the time. The FREEDOM it would be to just whip it out and pee on the side of the building rather than squat down in someone else's feces is just. . . incredible. In my opinion, most guys don't realize the beauty to peeing standing up, never having to wait in lines, and just being able to go anywhere, at any time.

If it weren't for the unbearable smell, the remnants of others, and the complete lack of privacy, I really wouldn't mind squatties. They are actually relatively convenient and painless. If I never have to go in one again, I wouldn't complain. But I know that in an hour or two when I'm out, nature will call.

Ugh.

I wish I was a guy.

Cutting it Close

China is all about cutting it close. Most of the time it involves being hit my a motor vehicle (If another car comes behind me and honks really loud I’m pretty sure I’ll have an aneurism), crossing the street, running into old people, and catching the bus. More often than not, it frequently occurs when I need to use the toilet. 

I’m always cutting it close when it comes to going #1 AND #2. The other day I went out for awhile and eventually had to pee like none other. I was a fifteen minute walk from home and really, really didn’t want to stop at a restaurant and go in a nasty squatty hole. So I tried to book it home but the quick movements made the sensation even worse. So I started to walk a lot slower, but then it was taking too long! I was completely stuck.

Now when I say I had to go, I don’t mean like I felt like I had a full bladder. I mean it was BURNING down there I had to go so bad. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to pee my pants. Eventually, I had to start taking deep breaths. I would take a few big, slow steps and then stop and take deep breaths. At this point, I don’t know what looks crazier, me stopping and breathing so much or just straight up peeing my pants. 

I finally made it home, and booked it to the toilet. It was like the scene from Austin Powers, and pee came for like a good five minutes. Talk about cutting it close. 

I feel like I’m constantly cutting it close with going #2 as well. It’s kinda like my bowels have a mind of their own when I’m in China. In the US, I make the calls about when I go to the bathroom. In China, my bowels make the call. I hate that my butt has a mind of it’s own now-a-days. I no longer have the ability to say when and where I go. My new strategy is to just make sure a toilet is within a two minute walk radius. And to have a massive amount of tissues in my purse. Sometimes even that might not make the cut. :/

I guess I just have to submit my will to the movements of my bowels. It’s definitely annoying and inconvenient. I always have the fear hanging over me that I may not make it to the toilet one day, that I will suffer the most humiliating situation any adult can imagine: pooping your pants in public. 

But hey, at least it’ll make for an interesting blog post!