China Makes Me Want to be a Guy

There's no going around it. China makes me want to be a guy. Seriously.

And it's mostly because of one thing: the ability to pee standing up.

Now this has always been an envy of mine: no pressure to endure child birth, no bra's, the ability to run easily, but nasty, gross squatty potties have exacerbated the desire.
The thing about China and squatties is that they are only in public places. So if you can hold it long enough to make it to your house, you're home free. But unfortunately I have a bladder the size of a pea so I ALWAYS have to go.

I teach four hours of class in the morning usually from 8am-12pm, and I really try my best to hold it. I'm hopeless though. Around 10, my bladder begins to beg for release. So I slowly walk over to the bathrooms (and there's ALWAYS a line!) and get out my scented tissues and try not to breathe for about five minutes.

Then when one opens up, I pray that there's no poop in there. Usually I'm not so lucky. Peeing on somebody else's business is one of the worst things I've ever had to endure. It usually splashes on my shoes and I almost throw up. Oh, and sometimes the stalls don't have doors. So people watch you pee. Apparently watching a foreigner going to the bathroom is quite the spectacle. But these are the prices you pay when you live in China.

If I were a guy in China I would totally go outside all the time. The FREEDOM it would be to just whip it out and pee on the side of the building rather than squat down in someone else's feces is just. . . incredible. In my opinion, most guys don't realize the beauty to peeing standing up, never having to wait in lines, and just being able to go anywhere, at any time.

If it weren't for the unbearable smell, the remnants of others, and the complete lack of privacy, I really wouldn't mind squatties. They are actually relatively convenient and painless. If I never have to go in one again, I wouldn't complain. But I know that in an hour or two when I'm out, nature will call.

Ugh.

I wish I was a guy.