Merry Christmas, You're Regular!

This Christmas was absolutely insane. It totally snuck up on me. It's like before I knew it, Christmas had came and gone and I barely had time to regain my balance as I saw it floating away.

Christmas always sneaks up on me in the US, but in China it's way worse. We work before and after Christmas (No Christmas break, just a break for Spring Festival in January and February) so Christmas just feels less. . . real.  Chinese people treat Christmas like Valentine's Day. It's a romantic holiday that they don't really know how to celebrate. They literally run around downtown with masks on. It's great.

Anyway, this year we totally rocked Christmas Eve with a Mexican Feast. Our friends all came together bringing tidings of salsa and tamales. Earlier that week, Eric and I received a package from his dad with refried beans and taco seasoning in it (wahoo!). Some of our friends made tamales (a traditional Mexican dish steamed in cornhusks) in a tofu skin, a queso dip, and three different kinds of salsa. We were out of control. In the US, I can easily pound 4 tacos, but in China I could barely finish two. We were stuffed out of our minds. It's so crazy to me how my body has adjusted to Chinese dieting. Western food makes me feel like I'm going to burst!

Christmas day we spent with some friends from all over the globe. Some of our British friends hosted a potluck lunch, which was awesome. We had stuffing, pasta salad, spaghetti sauce, homemade bread, muld wine (A British custom), brownies, cheesecake, and much more. This year I was honestly more excited about the food than I was about any gifts. I seriously get giddy when I know I'm about to eat food from home. It's the most comforting thing in China. I love it.

The best part of it all, is that my bathroom times were the most enjoyable I've had in five months. Now we all know the stanky result of Mexican food (particularly beans) that occurs a few hours after consumption. We definitely suffered from some very smelly gas, but the loveliest part is that our business was regular. With Chinese food, you get smelly gas and then diarrhea (sometimes burning hot diarrhea). It sucks.

Eating so much western food the past few days got me regular again, and I couldn't be more grateful. Over here it's the little things that count, people! I'm enjoying my last few regular visits and preparing for whatever is next in my crazy Chinese bathroom adventures.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday! May you be ever joyful during your bathroom adventures!

Rice or Noodles?

The first thing that most Chinese people will ask you if you're a white person in China, is "Can you use chopsticks?"

The second thing that most Chinese people will ask is, "Do you like rice or noodles?"

China is split in two. The northern part of China are committed to noodes. We are in northern China so we live in noodle country, which suits me just fine. I love me a good bowl of noodles. The southern part of China are all about rice--with dishes of course. (When Chinese people say "rice", they are also referring to the vegetable and meat dishes that you would eat with rice)

I've noticed my bowel responses are different to noodles than to rice. The product I get after digestion disturbingly matches my previous meal.  My noodle business is surprisingly noodle-like and my rice business is definitely, well, rice like. It's SO weird.

So it makes me wonder then, do Chinese people pick according to the taste of the meal or the type of business they prefer??? I know it's a little crazy, but poop time is a very important time of the day. If you're not getting the results you want, don't you make adjustments to what you eat?? Maybe the northerner's dig the long, string-like satisfaction from noodles and maybe the southerner's like the chunky, loose stuff from rice. I mean, I don't know, I'm just sayin. . . .

China Makes Me Want to be a Guy

There's no going around it. China makes me want to be a guy. Seriously.

And it's mostly because of one thing: the ability to pee standing up.

Now this has always been an envy of mine: no pressure to endure child birth, no bra's, the ability to run easily, but nasty, gross squatty potties have exacerbated the desire.
The thing about China and squatties is that they are only in public places. So if you can hold it long enough to make it to your house, you're home free. But unfortunately I have a bladder the size of a pea so I ALWAYS have to go.

I teach four hours of class in the morning usually from 8am-12pm, and I really try my best to hold it. I'm hopeless though. Around 10, my bladder begins to beg for release. So I slowly walk over to the bathrooms (and there's ALWAYS a line!) and get out my scented tissues and try not to breathe for about five minutes.

Then when one opens up, I pray that there's no poop in there. Usually I'm not so lucky. Peeing on somebody else's business is one of the worst things I've ever had to endure. It usually splashes on my shoes and I almost throw up. Oh, and sometimes the stalls don't have doors. So people watch you pee. Apparently watching a foreigner going to the bathroom is quite the spectacle. But these are the prices you pay when you live in China.

If I were a guy in China I would totally go outside all the time. The FREEDOM it would be to just whip it out and pee on the side of the building rather than squat down in someone else's feces is just. . . incredible. In my opinion, most guys don't realize the beauty to peeing standing up, never having to wait in lines, and just being able to go anywhere, at any time.

If it weren't for the unbearable smell, the remnants of others, and the complete lack of privacy, I really wouldn't mind squatties. They are actually relatively convenient and painless. If I never have to go in one again, I wouldn't complain. But I know that in an hour or two when I'm out, nature will call.

Ugh.

I wish I was a guy.

Cutting it Close

China is all about cutting it close. Most of the time it involves being hit my a motor vehicle (If another car comes behind me and honks really loud I’m pretty sure I’ll have an aneurism), crossing the street, running into old people, and catching the bus. More often than not, it frequently occurs when I need to use the toilet. 

I’m always cutting it close when it comes to going #1 AND #2. The other day I went out for awhile and eventually had to pee like none other. I was a fifteen minute walk from home and really, really didn’t want to stop at a restaurant and go in a nasty squatty hole. So I tried to book it home but the quick movements made the sensation even worse. So I started to walk a lot slower, but then it was taking too long! I was completely stuck.

Now when I say I had to go, I don’t mean like I felt like I had a full bladder. I mean it was BURNING down there I had to go so bad. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to pee my pants. Eventually, I had to start taking deep breaths. I would take a few big, slow steps and then stop and take deep breaths. At this point, I don’t know what looks crazier, me stopping and breathing so much or just straight up peeing my pants. 

I finally made it home, and booked it to the toilet. It was like the scene from Austin Powers, and pee came for like a good five minutes. Talk about cutting it close. 

I feel like I’m constantly cutting it close with going #2 as well. It’s kinda like my bowels have a mind of their own when I’m in China. In the US, I make the calls about when I go to the bathroom. In China, my bowels make the call. I hate that my butt has a mind of it’s own now-a-days. I no longer have the ability to say when and where I go. My new strategy is to just make sure a toilet is within a two minute walk radius. And to have a massive amount of tissues in my purse. Sometimes even that might not make the cut. :/

I guess I just have to submit my will to the movements of my bowels. It’s definitely annoying and inconvenient. I always have the fear hanging over me that I may not make it to the toilet one day, that I will suffer the most humiliating situation any adult can imagine: pooping your pants in public. 

But hey, at least it’ll make for an interesting blog post!

Fly Infestation

We have a fly infestation in our bathroom drain.

Yep, yep. It’s as gross as it sounds. Our bathroom consists of a toilet, a sink, a drain next to the toilet, a shower-head/spigot above the drain, and a ton of tiny flies. 

The drain on the floor of the bathroom is pretty dang gross. It doesn’t have a cover and it’s coated in a thick, brown goop. (I have no desire what-so-ever to know what that goop is!) From that drain comes an extremely foul smell and all these flies. I can’t seem to get rid of them. We’ve tried pouring boiled water and cleaning solution down the drain and covering it, but the flies live on. We just have to suck it up and get used to them.

So I’ve adopted a new hobby while going to the bathroom. I call it “Fly Hunting.” In the US, you guys read magazines while taking care of business. In China, we go Fly Hunting. 

An Effective Laxative, Straight From Your Kitchen Sink

Back in the US, I'm usually more of the backed up type. The majority of my family is in the category (sorry to those members. . . hope you're ok with me sharing some of your bathroom woes). We have all sorts of remedies to help get the motions going down there (fruit, veggies, and other natural laxatives). Sometimes I just forgot to go and other times I was just flat out too busy to poop. That's when you know you've got issues.

When I got back from India I was so horribly constipated I had to give myself an enema. It burned SO much to poop that I just straight up stopped going to avoid the pain. Bad, bad decision. Talk about a nightmare. That is one of the worst memories I have of my life. I hope to never relive that experience EVER again.

My lifetime battle with constipation has come to a cease here in China. I've come up with a new strategy: hold it and Chinese water.

So I try to hold it for two or three days, and then on the third day drink a tiny bit of Chinese water. It's been working out pretty well. I get semi-solid business and it conveniently saves me about 30 minutes a week.

The thing you should know about Chinese water is that the locals don't even drink it. When we wash our fruits and veggies we have to rinse them again with boiled water AND then peel all of them. You probably shouldn't rinse your mouth with it. We have to make sure our dishes are completely dry before we use them. It's super annoying trying to avoid drinking it at all. If you swallow a little, you can bet you're gonna spend a LONG time on that toilet.

So as I fight to be regular, I'm thankful for this effective laxative, located right in my kitchen sink. I'm learning more and more how to balance the water with my bowel movements. I have yet to be plugged up since we've been in China. (Freedom!) I just pray not to get some kind of parasite from the water. . .

Thank you China, for your terrible water and. . .

Goodbye, Constipation.

The Diarrhea Cry

Just as I finished publishing my last post, my husband bursts through the front door, huffing and puffing from running up the six floors to our apartment.

He screams, "I almost just pooped my pants!"

He then begins to rip off his pants and sprints to the bathroom.
A nanosecond later there is epic sounds of liquid chunks falling into the toilet and a sigh of relief.
"That was so close."

Welcome to China.

From my bathroom, to your's.

My name is Emily.
I am 22 years old.
And I think talking about poop is hilarious.

I currently live in the heart of China. I have been here for seven weeks and my bowels have been in for the ride of a lifetime. Everyday I have a new adventure on the toilet. My problem is, Chinese people don't like to discuss their feces. It's like it grosses them out or something. Weird, right?

I vowed to never have a blog before. I figured if people cared enough about my life, they would just ask me about it rather than reading it on the internet. However, I am itching to share my poop stories in China. Seriously.

So here it is. The scoop on the downtown-push-down, as my husband and I call it. You guys all get to share in our bathroom woes and joys. I may throw in a thing or two about my real life. . . we'll see :)

This is not a blog for the faint of heart. For those of us who love bathroom humor, it's gonna be great.

Enjoy :)