China Makes Me Want to be a Guy

There's no going around it. China makes me want to be a guy. Seriously.

And it's mostly because of one thing: the ability to pee standing up.

Now this has always been an envy of mine: no pressure to endure child birth, no bra's, the ability to run easily, but nasty, gross squatty potties have exacerbated the desire.
The thing about China and squatties is that they are only in public places. So if you can hold it long enough to make it to your house, you're home free. But unfortunately I have a bladder the size of a pea so I ALWAYS have to go.

I teach four hours of class in the morning usually from 8am-12pm, and I really try my best to hold it. I'm hopeless though. Around 10, my bladder begins to beg for release. So I slowly walk over to the bathrooms (and there's ALWAYS a line!) and get out my scented tissues and try not to breathe for about five minutes.

Then when one opens up, I pray that there's no poop in there. Usually I'm not so lucky. Peeing on somebody else's business is one of the worst things I've ever had to endure. It usually splashes on my shoes and I almost throw up. Oh, and sometimes the stalls don't have doors. So people watch you pee. Apparently watching a foreigner going to the bathroom is quite the spectacle. But these are the prices you pay when you live in China.

If I were a guy in China I would totally go outside all the time. The FREEDOM it would be to just whip it out and pee on the side of the building rather than squat down in someone else's feces is just. . . incredible. In my opinion, most guys don't realize the beauty to peeing standing up, never having to wait in lines, and just being able to go anywhere, at any time.

If it weren't for the unbearable smell, the remnants of others, and the complete lack of privacy, I really wouldn't mind squatties. They are actually relatively convenient and painless. If I never have to go in one again, I wouldn't complain. But I know that in an hour or two when I'm out, nature will call.

Ugh.

I wish I was a guy.

Cutting it Close

China is all about cutting it close. Most of the time it involves being hit my a motor vehicle (If another car comes behind me and honks really loud I’m pretty sure I’ll have an aneurism), crossing the street, running into old people, and catching the bus. More often than not, it frequently occurs when I need to use the toilet. 

I’m always cutting it close when it comes to going #1 AND #2. The other day I went out for awhile and eventually had to pee like none other. I was a fifteen minute walk from home and really, really didn’t want to stop at a restaurant and go in a nasty squatty hole. So I tried to book it home but the quick movements made the sensation even worse. So I started to walk a lot slower, but then it was taking too long! I was completely stuck.

Now when I say I had to go, I don’t mean like I felt like I had a full bladder. I mean it was BURNING down there I had to go so bad. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to pee my pants. Eventually, I had to start taking deep breaths. I would take a few big, slow steps and then stop and take deep breaths. At this point, I don’t know what looks crazier, me stopping and breathing so much or just straight up peeing my pants. 

I finally made it home, and booked it to the toilet. It was like the scene from Austin Powers, and pee came for like a good five minutes. Talk about cutting it close. 

I feel like I’m constantly cutting it close with going #2 as well. It’s kinda like my bowels have a mind of their own when I’m in China. In the US, I make the calls about when I go to the bathroom. In China, my bowels make the call. I hate that my butt has a mind of it’s own now-a-days. I no longer have the ability to say when and where I go. My new strategy is to just make sure a toilet is within a two minute walk radius. And to have a massive amount of tissues in my purse. Sometimes even that might not make the cut. :/

I guess I just have to submit my will to the movements of my bowels. It’s definitely annoying and inconvenient. I always have the fear hanging over me that I may not make it to the toilet one day, that I will suffer the most humiliating situation any adult can imagine: pooping your pants in public. 

But hey, at least it’ll make for an interesting blog post!

Fly Infestation

We have a fly infestation in our bathroom drain.

Yep, yep. It’s as gross as it sounds. Our bathroom consists of a toilet, a sink, a drain next to the toilet, a shower-head/spigot above the drain, and a ton of tiny flies. 

The drain on the floor of the bathroom is pretty dang gross. It doesn’t have a cover and it’s coated in a thick, brown goop. (I have no desire what-so-ever to know what that goop is!) From that drain comes an extremely foul smell and all these flies. I can’t seem to get rid of them. We’ve tried pouring boiled water and cleaning solution down the drain and covering it, but the flies live on. We just have to suck it up and get used to them.

So I’ve adopted a new hobby while going to the bathroom. I call it “Fly Hunting.” In the US, you guys read magazines while taking care of business. In China, we go Fly Hunting. 

An Effective Laxative, Straight From Your Kitchen Sink

Back in the US, I'm usually more of the backed up type. The majority of my family is in the category (sorry to those members. . . hope you're ok with me sharing some of your bathroom woes). We have all sorts of remedies to help get the motions going down there (fruit, veggies, and other natural laxatives). Sometimes I just forgot to go and other times I was just flat out too busy to poop. That's when you know you've got issues.

When I got back from India I was so horribly constipated I had to give myself an enema. It burned SO much to poop that I just straight up stopped going to avoid the pain. Bad, bad decision. Talk about a nightmare. That is one of the worst memories I have of my life. I hope to never relive that experience EVER again.

My lifetime battle with constipation has come to a cease here in China. I've come up with a new strategy: hold it and Chinese water.

So I try to hold it for two or three days, and then on the third day drink a tiny bit of Chinese water. It's been working out pretty well. I get semi-solid business and it conveniently saves me about 30 minutes a week.

The thing you should know about Chinese water is that the locals don't even drink it. When we wash our fruits and veggies we have to rinse them again with boiled water AND then peel all of them. You probably shouldn't rinse your mouth with it. We have to make sure our dishes are completely dry before we use them. It's super annoying trying to avoid drinking it at all. If you swallow a little, you can bet you're gonna spend a LONG time on that toilet.

So as I fight to be regular, I'm thankful for this effective laxative, located right in my kitchen sink. I'm learning more and more how to balance the water with my bowel movements. I have yet to be plugged up since we've been in China. (Freedom!) I just pray not to get some kind of parasite from the water. . .

Thank you China, for your terrible water and. . .

Goodbye, Constipation.

The Diarrhea Cry

Just as I finished publishing my last post, my husband bursts through the front door, huffing and puffing from running up the six floors to our apartment.

He screams, "I almost just pooped my pants!"

He then begins to rip off his pants and sprints to the bathroom.
A nanosecond later there is epic sounds of liquid chunks falling into the toilet and a sigh of relief.
"That was so close."

Welcome to China.

From my bathroom, to your's.

My name is Emily.
I am 22 years old.
And I think talking about poop is hilarious.

I currently live in the heart of China. I have been here for seven weeks and my bowels have been in for the ride of a lifetime. Everyday I have a new adventure on the toilet. My problem is, Chinese people don't like to discuss their feces. It's like it grosses them out or something. Weird, right?

I vowed to never have a blog before. I figured if people cared enough about my life, they would just ask me about it rather than reading it on the internet. However, I am itching to share my poop stories in China. Seriously.

So here it is. The scoop on the downtown-push-down, as my husband and I call it. You guys all get to share in our bathroom woes and joys. I may throw in a thing or two about my real life. . . we'll see :)

This is not a blog for the faint of heart. For those of us who love bathroom humor, it's gonna be great.

Enjoy :)